


Riding a Motorcycle is Not the Pursuit of a Well-Mannered Gentleman

by nichelium



Category: Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)
Genre: Epel is 2 seconds away from snapping at any given moment, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25940092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nichelium/pseuds/nichelium
Summary: Epel wants to ask Deuce for a favor, but first he's got to turn himself into the kind of guy Deuce can respect. Right?
Relationships: Deuce Spade & Epel Felmier
Comments: 10
Kudos: 63





	Riding a Motorcycle is Not the Pursuit of a Well-Mannered Gentleman

**Author's Note:**

> Written and posted all from my phone, so apologies in advance for typos. However, I will not apologize for the copious and annoying farmerisms

There wasn't enough horseshit today.

Literally. Epel needed more manure for his fertilizer, but they must've given the stables one hell of a cleaning. It was like months of crap had gone and vanished on him. He'd been coming here and taking some near daily; couldn't they at least have the good sense to leave a bit behind for him?

Whelp, no choice but to head further afield. Sometimes the horses wandered when they were turned out to pasture. There was an abandoned, overgrown barn at the edge of the field; rainwater ran off the roof and the leaning walls served as a windbreak. The grass was literally greener on that side.

So the horses went there, but it was far enough that the stablehands wouldn't have bothered to touch it in their cleaning spree. There were bound to be piles of manure. Epel grabbed a wheelbarrow and headed out.

Sure enough, all around the shack were mounds from just this morning. He started shoveling.

A noise sounded inside the shack. Epel stopped.

Not the normal creaking of an old building. It was a metallic clang, and Epel was sure there was no metal left unrusted in this thing. He leaned into the oblong doorway and said, "Hello…?"

"Ah!" The person inside the shack jumped back, and then sighed with relief when he saw who it was. "Epel! You scared me!"

"Deuce?"

There was a monstrous metal contraption on the floor of the shack, and Deuce was leaned down next to it with tools in his hands.

"What in tarnatio… Er." Epel corrected himself. "What is that thing?"

Deuce answered excitedly, "A magical wheel!" and then slapped his hands over his mouth to stop himself. "I mean, nothing, it's nothing, don't tell anyone you saw me here!" He sighed. "This really isn't honor student behavior…"

A magical wheel? Oh, now that he got a good look at it, that's definitely what it was, though it was seriously worse for wear. Epel had never seen one this close. Nobody in their right mind ever would've driven one back at home—if the farmers raging about dust and exhaust on their crops didn't stop someone driving one, then all the animals spooked for a mile would at least make them think twice. Not that Epel had anything against them, himself.

Actually… This was really cool, wasn't it? Only tough, manly guys drove these things. "Where'd you get it? What're you doing with it out here?"

"I, ah, er… Well. I found it in a junk heap, so I didn't think anyone would mind if I took it," Deuce explained. "Seriously, don't tell anyone I've got it, alright? Students aren't supposed to have vehicles unless it's for extracurriculars. Sneaking around like this… But I just had to! Look at the logo here—" Deuce pointed to a bit of sparkling metal poking out from underneath the coat of rust, and Epel kneeled down next to him to see it—"This is vintage! I couldn't just leave it to rust. I've never done more than routine maintenance on one, though…"

"You've driven one?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, they're great! Riding a magical wheel is unlike anything else you've ever done. If I can fix this thing up, I'll let you try it!" Deuce realized his enthusiasm and dialed it back. "Uh! Well, if you wanted to. A good Pomefiore student like you probably doesn't want anything to do with delinquent stuff like this, huh." He chuckled nervously.

Damn it. There was his dorm's image ruining things for him, as usual. "I want to…"

Deuce grinned at him. "Yeah? Cool! You can ride behind me, then!"

Ride behind him. Well… Yeah. Okay. It would probably be fun. But the image of Epel clinging to Deuce's back like a baby possum on its momma was not cool or manly in the  _ slightest. _ That wasn't what he wanted! Yeah, Deuce would need to teach him how to actually ride the darn thing, but it couldn't be harder than clinging to a rowdy mare, could it? Faster, maybe, but it couldn't buck you off. He wanted to ride the magical wheel on his own, sunset at his back, leather jacket on his shoulders, a haughty scowl on his face—oh, and he had muscles in this fantasy. That was key.

Deuce had probably already gotten to do exactly that, if he'd ridden one of these in the past. Ugh… He was so damn… cool! Deuce was in track and field, too, and he'd even gotten an award for performance! Deuce really was a man's man: athletic, bold, good in a fight… And now Epel was learning that Deuce rode magical wheels, too. Jeez, save a little coolness for the rest of us, why don't you. Epel was just barely holding his own in the magift club.

But Epel had an image to hold up, so he didn't say any of that. "Sure," he said instead. "I'll ride with you when you finish."

Deuce was about to happily get back to working on the repairs, but then he realized something and looked back up. "Wait, why're you all the way out here, anyways?"

"...Some extra work for alchemy class," Epel answered, technically not lying.

"Wow! You really are a diligent student! Devoted to alchemy, as expected of Pomefiore. I could learn a thing or two from you."

* * *

Vil ran with Jack in the mornings, earlier than most people in the dorm got up. The students of Pomefiore loved their beauty sleep, after all.

Epel did not need (nor want) any beauty sleep, and he was used to getting up when the rooster crowed at dawn. Tagging along on Vil's morning jog wasn't hard… It's just that he was usually tending plants this early.

The three of them stopped for a break and a drink as they circled around the front of the school. "Don't chug it down like that, Epel, you look like a brute."

It was too early for Epel to have a handle on his face yet, so he unintentionally sneered at Vil before the scowl he got in return made him catch himself. Right, yes, respect your seniors, and  _ especially _ respect your dorm head. Be cool, calm, and collected. The next time he drank from his water bottle, he was delicate about it.

"I don't really see why the way he drinks matters…" Jack said.

"Being a part of Pomefiore means something. We've got an image to keep up, in all aspects of life."

An image that Vil fit immaculately and effortlessly. Epel had thought that maybe in going on a run with him, he'd see a new side to Vil, one before he got all tidied up for the day. Wrong. Vil was as prissy and prickly as ever. Even worse, Epel got roped into his morning routine, too— _ "Since it's a pre-run look that we'll be washing off anyways, we won't use too much. Only six products. Being waterproof is key here, since we don't want sweat to—what are you doing! Have you even moisturized yet?" _

Epel shook himself out of the flashback. Even now, after jogging, Vil barely had a bead of sweat on him, hardly a hair out of place, and, of course, the way he drank water was posh and refined. As if he wasn't even thirsty, he was just lightly sipping on the finest of beverages.

"I'm done for today," Vil announced. "Can't have myself bulking up, now. Mm... Epel." Vil turned to him like he was about to bark another demand. Then his expression softened; he sighed. "Epel, do what you'd like. Just don't stay out so long you have to skimp on your makeup." Right, because this was just  _ jogging _ makeup, and he'd have to do his  _ real _ look after he showered. "See you tomorrow, Jack."

"See you." Jack waved. "Well, want to go another lap around campus?"

Epel nodded.

"Great. It's unusual to find so many people who can keep up with me."

This level of jogging wasn't all that different from a daily patrol of the apple orchards, so it wasn't a problem.

They decided to take a detour past the fields; they were beautiful this time of day, with the morning sun hitting the dew on the grass. Just like the neighbor's pasture back home.

Oh, you could just barely see the old abandoned barn from here. How was Deuce's progress on his magical wheel? It'd been a few days since Epel first saw him.

"You're slowing down. Getting tired?" Jack slowed, too, matching his pace to talk.

Oops. "Just lost in thought," Epel told him.

"Hmm." Jack stopped completely. That was unusual. He started sniffing the air… "There's something strange in the field."

"Huh? What is it?"

"I smell oil."

Oh, that would've been Deuce's magical wheel. Should he tell Jack? Deuce had asked him to keep it a secret, but Jack was his friend, so…

In the second Epel had spent thinking about it, Jack had hopped the fence and was racing towards the barn. Epel chased after him. "W-wait up!"

Lord, this guy was faster than a greyhound. No wonder he'd gotten a track and field award alongside Deuce. How much was he holding back to jog at Epel's pace before? When Epel finally caught up at the shack, he keeled over panting.

"What in the world is this…?" Jack wondered, not even fazed from his sprint. "Someone's making machine's out here?"

"It's— _ hah— _ it's Deuce's— _ hah— _ " Epel took a second just to breathe. "Deuce's magical wheel…"

"Really? I thought he was acting strange lately. He's been leaving club early and heading off somewhere… So it was here, huh?"

"Mm-hm. He said he found it in a junk pile." Looking down at it, it was already in better shape than before. What'd been a pile of parts on the floor of the shack was now structured enough to lean up against the wall. The rust was gone, too, though it wasn't polished. It almost looked usable. "He's done a really good job fixing it."

Jack leaned down, still sniffing around. "Ah. Here." He picked up a canister of oil, a magi-reactive kind that would've allowed channeled magic to power the engine. Epel was used to seeing it around for equipment back home, but here at a school with modern tech it was out-of-place. Deuce  _ had _ said the wheel was vintage. Jack tightened the cap on the canister. "Hazardous materials like this should be stored properly. And ideally not in a worn-out shack."

"Deuce was hiding it because students aren't supposed to have vehicles. Er, so don't tell anyone you found it here. …Especially don't tell him that it was me that told you it was his. Um. Please."

"I won't, but…" Jack stood up, and the two of them started back to the path they'd been running on. "Actually, how do you know about all this? Are you two good friends?"

Epel wished. "N-no, I just happened to find out. And he said I could ride with him when he finished. Even though I'd like to learn how to ride it on my own, too…"

"Hmm." Jack nodded. "If you want something from Deuce, you should just ask!" He thumped his chest. "He's the same as me, I'm sure, so assert yourself! If he can respect you, then he'll listen to what you've got to say." 

"Assert myself, huh…"

Right. Deuce was cool, a man among men, and if Epel wanted to stand on the same level as him, then he needed to  _ get _ to that level. He needed to toughen up.

He finished the home stretch of the jog in record time.

* * *

Morning runs. Magift club. Working out. All critical parts of his routine. Epel needed to be strong. He wanted to be strong  _ anyways, _ but now he had another goal on top of that: he had to impress Deuce, so that he could ride a magical wheel.

Vil wasn't happy. Epel was still doing all the things he was supposed to for Pomefiore, it's just that they were pushed to the side. His makeup was lazy, his alchemy grades were slipping. Those weren't important right now, though, damn it!

Especially because it was basically impossible for Epel to bulk up. It didn't matter how much he worked out… He stayed scrawny. He  _ felt _ stronger, sure. His arms still looked like twigs.

He was lamenting it as he worked in the botanical garden. He'd skipped out on yesterday's plant care to work out with Sebek, and the flowers were showing it. Ugh. Was that leaf browning?

"What's on your mind, son?"

"H-holy murderation!" Epel jolted back faster than a spooked colt. "What in the blessed hell is— _ Lilia, _ you damn near gave me a heart atta—Er." He cleared his throat. "You surprised me, Lilia, sir."

Lilia had popped in with his signature tactic, and seeing an upside-down upperclassman got Epel every time. He'd never get used to that. Lilia snickered as he righted himself. "I can always count on you for a good reaction. You were even more focused on your plants than usual."

"Mm-hmm." Lilia was a smart guy, so it wouldn't hurt to talk to him. Epel told him, "I didn't take care of them yesterday, so I have to make up for that today."

"Ah, Sebek did mention spending time with you. Neglecting one hobby for another, hm?" Lilia giggled. "Or did Sebek just rope you into staying longer so he could make you listen as he sung Prince Malleus's praises?"

"No, no, I wanted to be there! I'm trying to… Well, I'm trying to put on some muscle. Not that it's working." Epel looked back down at the flowerbeds. He was still scrawny, and now his plants were, too. Nothing was going right.

Lilia nodded in understanding. "That's the fate of us perpetually small, eh. I knew you were interested in fighting, but it's certainly a departure from your image to think of you bulking up."

Epel sighed. His image. His all-important, regal, spotless Pomefiore image. Working out so much really didn't fit that image, did it? Neither did neglecting his alchemy reagents.

Neither did riding a magical wheel, for that matter.

Maybe he should give up. At least with makeup and alchemy, he was improving.

Right. No sense dwelling on this silly whim. He had a place in Pomefiore, as much as he hated it. He'd get back to his old routine, and get these plants standing proud and tall again.

Lilia continued talking, "Though, I think it's better to be underestimated. There's more to a confident image than being a musclehead."

* * *

Epel was out scouring the field for ingredients when he heard a  _ clang, clang, sputter, vroom! _ from the abandoned shed. Only one thing that could be, huh? When he got closer to the shed, smoke was streaming out the windows. Was that good or bad?

"Deuce?" Epel called as he approached.

Deuce was kneeled on the floor, batting smoke away from his face, coughing and sputtering as much as the engine had been. "Gack! This thing really is old, yikes!"

Epel did  _ not  _ want to be in there right now, so he leaned in the doorway. "Is everything okay?"

"Epel! I got the engine started!" Deuce exclaimed, and then he started coughing again because he'd inhaled a lungful of smoke to talk. "Needs some fine-tuning, but it's started!"

"Wow. That's incredible." It really did look rideable, now.

Deuce pushed something and pulled something and prodded something else, and the smoke slowed to a stop. "We'll probably be able to go on that drive together soon! There's this road at the west edge of campus that we ran in track and field club, it goes along a ridge and it's just beautiful. It'll be great for a test run!"

Epel knew the road. Jack had showed it to him and Vil on a jog, and Vil had complained that the wind there would mess up his hair. Yeah, that would be a really great road to drive on, huh. Ah… and it was on the west edge, too, so the view of the sunset would be gorgeous, wouldn't it? Darn it, Epel wished he could drive it himself. He sighed, "I want to learn to drive…"

Deuce stared up at him.

"Erp! I mean, um, uh," Epel babbled. That was ridiculous, right? For a guy like him to want to learn to ride… He definitely wasn't cool or tough or assertive enough to do something like that. What would Vil think? He'd probably say it was atrocious and all but kick him out of the dorm.

"Seriously…?"

"N-no, no, I mean, magical wheels are…" Epel racked his brain for everything a good, refined Pomefiore student would probably think of a rough hobby like this. "They're loud and dangerous and… and…"

Deuce sprung up and grabbed Epel's hands, giddy as a goat. "Yeah, they're awesome, right!? If you want to learn, I'd love to teach you!"

"...Really?"

"Of course! Oh, man, I never thought you'd be that interested! This is great! I've definitely gotta get this thing finished now. If you really like riding it, we could start a magical wheel club—I tried this year, it didn't work out—and then I could bring mine from home and, hell, you could just  _ have _ this one, it's not like I paid for it, and—and  _ matching jackets—" _

Deuce was getting closer and closer with every thing he added to the list until he was grinning right in Epel's face. Epel backed up a step. "A-aren't you getting ahead of yourself!?"

"Oh, no, I really am! S-sorry…" Deuce pulled away, sheepish. "It's just, to think that a great student like you would be interested… Aah, I'm so excited."

As the reality set in, Epel realized what had just happened. He was totally going to get to learn to ride a magical wheel, and he'd get to ride with Deuce, and it was going to be  _ so cool. _ To hell with everything he was supposed to like in Pomefiore. This was going to rock. "The… Um," Epel started.

"Huh?"

"The matching jackets… They should have, uh. They should have tigers on them… I think."

Deuce beamed. "Yeah!"

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/nichelium)
> 
> Also I just want to say that "magical wheel" is the most awkward name for a fantasy motorcycle ever and I cringed every time I wrote it. But I kept writing it. For Deuce.


End file.
